A list and a novel in ONE

Today/tonight God's blessing me with things like:
-good/rainy weather (lots of /'s)
-good music, but more specifically for today: radiohead, iron&wine, and regina spektor
-goooood friends. BEST friends. NEW friends.
-driving
-fortress
-NO WORK

There is value in not understanding, in feeling overwhelmed, etc. One of the things about getting older / getting to know Christ is you realize how messed up you really are. It feels like instead of getting more wise and more mature you begin to realize how far from wise and mature you really are. It's like you begin to see yourself the way you really are.

Sometimes it takes a week full of rainy days at work, when you're forced to sit outside alone, and stare at the sky above you. Sometimes it takes a lot of feeling small and inadequate to get things and then realize how far from getting things you actually are. Sometimes I just gotta let things slam me in the face while I'm sitting out there staring. And sometimes I just gotta DEAL WITH THEM.

Whaaatt? Is this what I signed up for??

Somewhere after that it goes something like "Hey God, you still there?" And of course He is. And He's probably rolling His eyes at me. Or something. Or, at least I hope He is. I'd like to think He is. And smiling too. It's more loving that way.

And it ends/begins with Him continuing to love me. He always does. And He continues to love me in ways I never thought of before, and is showing me how to love others in ways I've never thought of before. Or have and have just ignored. Sometimes I need those moments where I'm forced to be surrounded by things like rain, thunder, lightning, and SKY (it's huge btw), because I'm reminded how it's no longer about me.

Oh wait, IT NEVER WAS.

Whoooops.

Honesty is freeing, and loving honestly is freeing. Loving like Jesus does is hard. And I need to get over myself.


But we're (I'm) working on it.


The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

1 Kings 19:11

I live a lot of my life in the world of should's. Often I equate the person I should be with the person I am. I speak of should's and ought's as if they were my reality when they are far from it. More and more I find the person I should be is often the person I'm not.

I do things that a good Christian would do, not because I want to but because that is what I should do. I know how things should be but they really are not at all; nevertheless I live in this world of should's because it allows me to speak of things like truth, and beauty, and love without ever really experiencing them. I know the "right" things to say and do without feeling purity in the desire to do them.

When in truth, I am destroying myself. I am making myself out to who I would like to be instead of who I am. And until I come face to face with who I am, I will never be who I should.

Today I am committing myself to packing less junk. I am learning how to minimize the amount of things I bring with me for the upcoming week. I am hopelessly an overpacker, and have been for many years. This year I've gotten a lot better but it may have been out of sheer laziness. Today I am not feeling as lazy so my plan is to get rid of a ton of crap, and pack less crap also. Life is so exciting right?

HEY Cornerstone tomorrow!!! I'm way too excited. Go middle school

God is ever present- even on the nights when I'm a little let down, a little anxious, and a little insecure. Tonight, He showed me his love by an unexpected phone call. Turns out it was just what I needed. Thank you thank you thank you.