So I just realized I spent 10 hours of my day typing a paper and studying for a test that only one other person will read and grade and that that one other person has to be paid to read it...

School has reached a new low.

When they were introduced, he made a witticism, hoping to be liked. She laughed extremely hard, hoping to be liked. Then each drove home alone, staring straight ahead, with the very same twists to their faces.

This is the moment that you know.

Why

GET ME OUT OF THIS LIBRARY. I have been in here for FAR too long working on the same G-d paper. I hate this. There is a window in front of me and I am about to jump through it. I hate this. Why does school do this to people? Why am I about to go crazy? Why am I writing a 8 page paper over a poem with 12 lines?!? Why do I procrastinate as much as I do? Why am I wasting even more time writing in my stupid blog? I am waiting here with hopes the phone will ring.

I'm also thinking awful things. Will I be up all night?? Why do I suck at college so bad?? A sense of motivation and dedication for school-related things has never been instilled in me. God, why did you not add in those useful characteristics?

Just some questions running through my head right now.

Too many really funny things are happening around me right now, and I can't laugh out loud because I'm in the library. Also I'm alone so that would look weird. I probably already look strange because I've been making this weird face trying to hold everything in and it's killer. Why am I talking about this??

Here's something- I am struggling with having ill-feelings in regards to a particular person. This is unusual. I have never been one to desire to make someone to be repulsed by me (it's usually so natural, HA). Usually I annoyingly latch onto people. But this one makes me want to be someone else so they could leave me be, and I could forget them. They always have to be in the action. I'm wondering when we're leaving. And they have to meet everyone before it's all over. WHY? This is Harding, you'll see them tomorrow. AND they have to be the one to get a reaction. Always. I just sit there rolling my eyes. They are always someone else. It is enough to drive me INSANE. It already has. Who knew that I would be one to tell someone bad things about myself to get a person to not want to be around me? I think it's working. I may regret that later though. And I think it's making me more crazy than this stupid paper. Which oh crap, I am still writing. Pray for me, I am really battling with this. Why do I not trust them so much? Why do they bring out such negative feelings? OH yeah, I don't trust their motives. That's why.

So I'll stay, you GO. I'm fine with or without you.

I'm done.

OH and p.s. why in the H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS is David Cook at Harding?!?!? And why are so many people going to watch him?!?! Someone please kill me. I'm going throw up everywhere.

And The World's Got Me Dizzy Again

Life has been interesting lately. Lots of things have happened that have made me really happy and then other things that make me wish to do terrible things.

But one prevailing idea has woven through these good and bad things and it stemmed from one conversation I had with a good friend last weekend. I appreciate her sincere love for geniune friendship. Because sometimes the purity of such a beautiful thing like friendship gets spoiled by our intentions. When we meet someone and begin a new relationship, sometimes we set a goal or place of where we would like to see this new relationship go. I don't think this is bad, however, I've noticed that when we make such plans, that every step and conversation turns into a way of transitioning that relationship into what we imagine it to be.

I do this a lot. I don't think my intentions are foul, but I think my intentions most certainly harm the relationship. Because then I am just forever living in this idea of how I percieve this person to be. But it's not really them. And it' my fault. When I unintentionally try to manipulate a relationship, I am missing out on the person they are now. Which is huge.

I cannot attach myself to an outcome because then in most cases, I will just be disappointed. I'll miss out on the opportunities I had to learn from the person they are now, whatever those may be. Lately I have been extremely guilty of this and in pretty much all of these situations have led to extreme disappointment. I need to stop romanticizing such things and allow myself to appreciate the person they are currently. Cause I keep getting disappointed. And I keep getting let down. And I keep having high hopes. It's so stupid.

I almost regret having such high hopes for some. Because once again, the world has let me down. Shocker right? I don't know how many times God has to shove in my face this fact until I get it. Unfortunately the person I have been missing out on NOW is really not all that great. I like my idea of them better. So needless to say it kinda sucks. But that's ok because then I just think of the people that I know that are consistent. And I feel better because I trust them now AND I trust the person they will be. And that makes me feel better. I'm glad I know people like that.

If you never get your hopes up, you will never be let down. I need to put my hope in something worth waiting for. Because some things aren't worth the fight or the wait. So I'm done.

The Way I Are

So it has been brought to my attention several times in the last couple of times that the way I dress is bothersome, or considered "weird" to SOME. Saturday night Collin texted me. Our texting conversation goes as follows:

Collin: Hey I'm watching a band called cruiserweight and the lead singer kinda reminds me of you lol
Me: Wait. What? How? Good or bad?
Me: Are they fat? (I forgot to send that in the first text)
Collin: Bad kinda
Me: Well then how does she remind you of me?
Collin: I don't know, the way she dresses
Me: Ok, well how does she dress?
Collin: Just really weird


WHAT? Fortunately my good-humored self loved and I cracked up at that for quite a while. BUT THEN I remembered that previously that day, my mother made me change 3 times before our outing to Dallas to watch Taylor. I got several comments along the lines of "Kenzie are you really going to wear that??", "Kenzie, you don't match at all", "Kenzie your sweater is wrinkled", (after looking at me) "Haha oh Kenzie you're so strange", and then the ever so forward "Kenzie, you should probably just change".

What does all this mean? Nothing I guess but these are really only two examples of comments I receive quite frequently. I mean, Collin wrote a list of things he doesn't like and "the way my sister chooses to dress herself" is along with a list like "bugs" and "misrepresented ebay items" and "turtlenecks".

So what does all this mean?

I'm not sure. I'm not hurt or offended, I guess I really just think it's funny because I thought I dressed pretty normal. But apparently I never match and if someone compliments my absemble for the day, it's usually on a day that I didn't like what I picked to begin with. This is a very shallow blog, but nevertheless this needs to be said. Just for years comments with surprised tones like "KENZIE you match today!!" have just become the norm. Or in high school when Cody Clifton would look at me, roll his eyes, and something terrible to me. Just things like that. I miss those days, and I like being that girl. HA

Sarah what do you think?


Who knows but on another note, lately I feel happy. I don't know why. I feel more at ease with myself and who I'm becoming. It's nice to feel comfortable with things you're doing and not doing, and where you're at. It's easier to love others when you yourself are in check. God's taking His sweet time, but for now I'm okay with it.

"I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been but I know where I want to go."

So I thought I'd let you know.

DANG IT

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


One more freaking month and then we will try AGAIN.


DANG IT



ANYWAY, this weekend=good. I have friends that are too good to me. I am blessed by their ability to show me my Father through the ways that they challenge me, teach me, and make me laugh. I just got really lucky I think.


See the months, they don't matter. It's the days I can't take. When the hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away...

Well I'm stubborn and wrong but at least I know it.

But it seems like I'm getting closer somehow; a flicker of peace that I've finally found. Thank you for believing in me now, cause I do need it.

Your Cover's Blown

Am I spoiled by good relationships at home?? Am I? Did I get lucky really early?

I'm real disheartened by relationships here. I long for familiarity and just, sincerity. I think that's a better word. Lately I question anyone that tries to know me. I always assume alterior motives, because that's the vibe I'm getting. And when I say familiarity, I think this goes beyond a mere symptom of freshman year and missing my friends. Because obviously I found Hayley and a handful of other friends last semester that I spent every waking and not waking moment with. And I was blessed. But now that things have changed and people are gone and the dynamic is different, I've been forced to step out into the Harding world more. I will say that I've been immensely blessed by this in numerous ways. But lately- not so much.

Lately, I feel kinda used. I feel like I'm just some person that you need to meet so you can say you know them for the sake of a social checklist. Overexaggerated maybe, but nevertheless the thoughts and emotions are still there. I have friends, I have fun most of the time. But that's it. I'm called when I'm wanted or needed, but then that's it. We all go on with our busy lives. I'm sorry, maybe I'm a princess but I require a little more effort. And I think because of the way Jesus loves me and knows me intimately, I require more effort. I know I'm worth it. And now I sound like a brat that thinks she's really cool but I promise that's not what I'm trying to say.

I just usually dive into relationships. I'm an all the time kinda friend, not just one who is "on-call" so youcanhavemewhenyouwantme type thing. I don't really work like that. Because at the end of the day, I feel cheap. And I feel kinda used. And I feel like in reality I don't really matter all that much. Why do I always feel like I have to act more reserved in most circumstances? I don't feel like I can fully be myself around anyone here, because people here make me feel like the little, nonimportant stuff matters. I am just being judged on so many different, picky levels. I feel like I'm expected to act a certain way around certain people and I'm supposed to agree with everyone on everything on certain subjects and I'm supposed to think certain things are funny when certain people do. I get self-conscious. When have I EVER been like that? DANG I miss you Hayley. (AND you too karalaniesarahcollincolegarrettsloan,etc)

But yeah, Hayley. I liked us because we did not give a you-know-what about those stupid people. We didn't allow ourselves to get sucked in with shallow people with shallow intentions. We just WERE. We did what we wanted, with who we wanted, and we were ok. We were real. Or at least we tried to be as best we could. If we did crappy things or made mistakes, we still who we were. We were trying to find the truth for ourselves and not falling in line with everyone else in the process. And that's what relationships are for, I think. To fail and succeed and learn and grow with one another.

Now maybe I should grow up and stop being so insecure and paranoid, but oh well. The point is that people make me feel this way.

My best friends bless me. They bless me from being hours away from me. Daily. I am encouraged by them, and they know I'm weird and not funny and annoying most days, but they reassure me that they love me. And I know it. I know they mean it.

Times like this make me appreciate Garrett more. I hardly give him enough credit for being so geniune. Garrett adored me. All the time. I was a brat and annoying and weird and not funny and he still assured me that he still thought I was worth it. And precious. And innocent. And he got a geniune, sincere sense of happiness and joy from being around me. Or at least he acted like he did. I made him happy because who I was and who I wasn't and how I acted and because I just was the way I was. That was it. Thanks Garrett for being so great to me. And sorry for making my appreciation so public but I feel like it's neccessary.

It's not just Garrett that's like this to me though. All my best friends treat me this way. So am I spoiled?

Or should I expect the highest quality in the way I am treated?

I just never know the line. However, I will choose to continue to love others as best as I can. My insecurities and doubts should not affect my own ability to give love. Luckily I'm loved perfectly already. So I don't have to rely yet again on flawed love from humans. Think God's trying to show me something much?? HA, apparently I don't get it still. I just think I do.

I may have extended my "Harding Social Boundaries", but now that I've achieved this somewhat, I am dissatisfied. Once again I am shown that us humans are continuely, helplessly flawed. I choose last semester over this semester easy. I had real friends with real struggles and real passion and no cover ups. No explanations. No insecurities. It just was. Things like that take time, I know. I'm just getting impatient. But I'm just done with the emptiness of all this nonsense. I'm done.