"Never before had it occured to me to ask myself why the sun should rise each morning on a new day instead of upon an old day over again; or to wonder how much of what I did was really on my own to do. It may be that here on this earth we are not grateful enough for ignorance, our innocence. We think there is only one road-one direction- forward, and we accept it, and press on. we think of God, we think of the mystery of the universe, but we do not think about it very much, and we do not really believe that there is a mystery, or that we could not understand it if it were explained to us. Perhaps because when it is all said and done, we do not really believe in God. In our hearts, we are convinced that it is our world, not His."

I've been thinking a lot about questions. I do this a lot anyhow. I tend to dissect everything only to end up more confused than before. I break things into pieces only to have more pieces and I usually can't put them back together. I am thankful for this. I say I fear control and I do most days, but I'm so relieved to be so confused sometimes. PRAISE because I don't have to know everything. I could go anywhere and it wouldn't matter where and still SOMETHING there would teach me. God reveals Himself in the smallest things, yet always in the biggest ways. Even if we're silent, the rocks will cry out. It's perfect. It's so paradoxical and never-ending and complex, but it is the path I have chosen and it is the path I will continue on. I can talk to anyone and find God if I choose to. I can sit somewhere by myself in a desolate area and still find God if I choose to. I choose this path and I choose questions and I choose doubt sometimes because I think God trusts me to come back to Him. Sometimes I think He instills with us certain feelings that cause questions so we can wrestle with them. But I always find that the arrows always point up. It never fails. And I think God trusts me to find Him. And that makes me feel better. He knows I made that decision years ago when I said I wanted the Spirit in me. He knows I meant it. And it hasn't left me. It stirs in me daily, and even in my lowest of times when I want to plug my ears, close my eyes, and block everything out and do things on my own, I still feel it. And I still know Something's there.

It's a sick and scary thing, but the most securing and freeing thing I could ever be apart of. I chose this and yet it chooses me also. Always. Nothing has any meaning by itself. I know this.

But I know so little. And there is so much to know. AH.

All I do know is that I'm really thankful that my world is constantly expanding and opening up more and more opportunities for me to learn. I'm just grateful that I didn't choose ignorance. I'm thankful that that I possess an inability to blindly accept things and move on with life. What kind of life would that be? Praise God that I'm able to question and try my own way. Because I'm always wrong. And that's oddly kinda freeing.

"Her heart, which through her childhood was all one color, has turned into a kaleidscope made up of shining fragments which fall at each turn of the glass into ever, newer, mere breath-taking patterns."

I may have control issues. Or something.

I have realized this lately because it seems I have been presented with many situations in which I lack any control over. Without even realizing it, I apparently am real used to always being the lead in most situations, or at least able to manipulate it and to mold it into what I want it to be. Lately, however, I am not finding this to be the case. And because of this, I become real anxious and awkward.

I am not used to these kind of feelings. It's interesting though because it raises a lot of questions. Do I lack some sort of confidence in something? Have I always been like this? Do things usually work out in my favor because I'm fortunate or do I somehow make it work out that way? It's weird. Lately I've been in situations where I can't predict the outcome. And when that uncontrolled situation is presented to me, I freak. Secretly though, of course. It is just not like me to become so uncomfortable.

A lot of problems can stem from this... so that's good. It's scary to be presented with the unknown. Sometimes I'd rather not know some things or avoid potential awkward situations to be comfortable and in control instead. But I always walk away feeling regret.

In a spiritual sense: geez God why do you have to be so big? I'm so thankful because we all know that I cannot handle most things... but I like to think I can. Sometimes it's scary to follow You when I don't know what's in store for me even a day down the road.

Life lately has forced me to realize more and more that I am not the one who can manipulate everything. I cannot always mold things into what I think they should be. I need to stop romanticising situations and how things could turn out. I need to just stop, take a breathe, and deal with what I'm given and trust that Someone bigger and better and smarter has already taken over for me.

PLUS I need to simply just relax. That's really it.

I have an announcement!!!

Well everyone, after much thought and debate for about 3 weeks now...I have decided that I do not want to get married.

Will I? Who knows, and quite honestly (and this may be presumptuous of me) I probably and sadly still will later on in life. But for now, I don't think I want that. For now, I believe that Kenzie Brewer should stray away from the realms of marriage as far as she can. And for now, I am completely okay with that. For now, the idea of never getting married is okay to me.

That is all.

Hey God

Thanks for being with me today.
Thanks for letting me talk to Hayley.
& thanks for people that make me laugh.

I love you God and I praise you for always proving to be bigger than my complaints, doubts, and insecurities. I'm sorry I'm so bipolar always and I'm sorry I never have anything sorted out.

But you were with me today. I felt you.

And I'm still stuck where I am: always left with a million questions, always left yelling at you and most certainly always left unsure.

But I felt you.

And I feel you now. And today, Monday, March 16th.. I think that may be all I need.

My prayer tonight is that you'll continue to wrap your BIG, loving arms around me while you sing me to sleep. Guide my thoughts and dreams to things only of you. Just for tonight.

Because I always need you so much closer..

Tonight, I think God gave me just what I needed. In more ways than one. I don't know why I am surprised by this.


Thank you thank you thank you

In Memory

Well today is a very monumentally sad day for Kenzie. My best friend HAYLEY HOUSTON has left me here in the states for 3 months. That's fine I suppose. I'm super excited for her, but I don't think most realize the extent of our relationship. The beautiful thing about us is, she's just as needy as I am. HA and coming from people that know me, that in itself is pure perfection, like something God almost forgot to curse.

Yes, there is facebook and skype and the world wide web, and thank GOD, BUT there is not texting all day everyday and phone calls. No one realizes how much we talk. Hayley has blessed my life in undescribable ways this year and selfishly, I want her to hang out with me here at school, cause I'm really scared I'll be lonely. She is my best and argueably only friend here... not kidding.

It's just refreshing and reassuring to have someone who is literally right where you are. We have fought the same battles this school year, seperately, but together. Our issues are strikingly similar, and we think incredibly alike. We keep each other balanced and sane. And now I'm scared to do it by myself here at Harding. I don't know if I can keep my own self sane here at a place like this. She left me at a weird time but she's going to have an amazing time in Chile. So for that I'm excited for her.

So, this post in dedication to her, my sweet. (I'm a creep) Pray for her that she's safe and pray for both of us that we may be able to survive on our own. This all sounds really dramatic but I already feel very lonely and I'm scared to do the rest of this semester by myself. And honestly, I know she is too.

COME BACK TO MEEEE


Oh and also p.s. I am a blogging machine lately and I'm annoyed with my own self. I need to stop this.

OH and also p.s.s. I had caffiene tonight and I am about to jump out of my own skin. I am SO insanely wired. It is pathetic.

That is all.

Thoughts

Two people can love and adore each other forever and inspire those around them, a mom will sacrifice everything in pursuit of her child's well-being, exhausted friends will take a 3 am phone call just to listen and bring their friend back to sanity, a man will kindly give a homeless man 5 dollars with no assumptions or strings attached.

Love is the thread through nearly all good acts and intentions. A common love and respect for those around us allows us to bless one another by our show of love. Tonight, however, I am realizing that love still fails me sometimes.

Despite all the wonderful and beautiful things love produces, a father's love for his daughter is simply not enough when in the face of addiction.

Sucks doesn't it? It sounds like such an easy decision but yet powerful forces such as sin and addiction hold such a tight, controlling grip on a person. It quickly overtakes them. This consumption of sin causes a person to lose what they once were. Love is no longer enough of a reason to quit sometimes.

I don't want to get to detailed on this honestly, but thoughts such as these just remind me that humans are continously flawed. Even perfect and beautiful things like love are spoiled and tainted by the surrounding world around us. Human love can destroy good intentions and become condtional and selfish.

Two people in love can later on decide that they are "growing apart", a mom can become too desperate, and some nights we choose not to take that late phone call, we'll just call them in the morning. And the homeless man? ah, he's just going to use that money to buy drugs.. we don't want to support that habit. And so we just avoid eye contact and keep on walking.

I sound cynical, and maybe I am, but really all I need is some consistency here. I need to be shown a love that will not fail me, a love that empowers these selfless acts, a love that TRANSFORMS. Human love is crap. It means well but it screws up real fast.

I know a Guy who loves me very much. Or, at least He says He does. He was crazy and healed people and did miracles and other weirdo things and talked a lot about the Kingdom of God within us. People executed Him though. He still won and came back cause He's bigger than death...but, He did all of this because He loves me. Or at least He says He does. But I think He means it cause He keeps asserting me of such things by saying He wants the best for me and stuff.

Realizing a love like that changes someone. This particular love does and I am able to witness so many beautiful things because of Christ's love. It empowers His followers to love others as selflessly as they can...because He did it for us. It's a very beautiful thing I think.

But unfortunately we're still human. And unfortunately we're still imprisoned in the wreckage of the fall, stuck in a world consumed with sin. We tend to get real entangled in this wreckage, and the perfect love that was bestowed upon us is now tainted with things that are not of this Perfect Being.

It just sucks. That's all. Fortunately there is no condemnation for our faults if we are in Him, but it just sucks when you're the product of this imperfect love. God's love is a beautiful and wonderful thing, but I need to know why a father's love for his own daughter isn't enough to say no to things that our destroying him. Addiction is still prevalent over love. It takes over. I don't think that's fair.

I need a little bit more stability. And I need to be shown a little more consistency in this human love. We mess up, obviously, but if Christ's love is supposed to change us and empower us to the best we can... then we'll do the best we can. I'm not being shown that right now. In fact, I see someone too buried with the burden of their own selfishness and addiction that the best that he can do is simply make himself happy. The one that is buried deep underneath all that would know better. I'm sure of it. How does he find himself again though? How does he remember to love others and love himself? I think he forgot. He's too blinded by things that he doesn't even remember what things like real love, real hope and real living are anymore. I hope he finds it.

Until then, love is not moving mountains. Or doing much or anything really. Love is just good intentions. Dang us humans for being so flawed.

Like I said- a little on the cynical side tonight, but that's okay. I just understand the idea of love to be such a positive, powerful, life-changing, earth-shattering force. Love transforms. It causes things, it is not complacent. So is this lack of doing a result of a lack of love? How does one revive that?

All I can do is love the best that I can. I am compelled by Someone who loves me better, perfectly actually...so I mean, I guess that's it. I'll just wait.. well no, I won't. I'm just tired and sorta running out of time.