"Should I show you who I am, we may crumble".

"I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonely, like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully towards each other? Why do we not connect? Will be forever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God's way of meriting grace, of teaching us of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a great perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion?
We were fools to believe we would redeem each other.
Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him."


That is just an excerpt from Donald Miller that I reread today, and I believe it so very beautiful. A friend got me to thinking a lot about the Church and God and being whole today. My favorite parts of that excerpt are the first lines, as well as the last.

"Hear Oh Israel, the Lord your God is one God"

God is one. And we, the Church, the body of Christ are one. The first thing God deemed "not good" was loneliness... so humans were made for each other. We are meant to live in community, to inspire one another because it is not good for us to be alone. And sometimes it is so hard to be known and to love anyway. I struggle with this a lot because my love is so flawed. I have so many insecurities and doubts and fears that sometimes I'm not really scared of the Church, I'm scared of me. I am so broken and sometimes I worry that I use others as a tool to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem MYSELF. And because of this, often times I walk alone. Because if I was to show all of me, then I fear that could be the death of a lot of relationships.

"I am not scared of you my love, I am scared of me."

I am afraid that people slid up too warmly to the person I want to be, and this is my fault. Sometimes I have a hard time being truely honest with a person out of fear that they may not accept me. But I am not one. I belong to a body that is billions, but is one. And I can't be one if I am not whole myself.

Not sure where I'm going with this, but I apply this whole idea of the Messiah Complex to me too often- the idea that without me the world may fall apart. People slid up warmly to their perception or idea of who I am, and I rely on them to fix and redeem me. But as Miller points out, though she is made from his rib, it is her, the OTHER person who is breaking, destroying, humbling and ultimately making him... and by this she is revealing God in the process.

It is a beautiful thing that we are meant for each other. My purity ring reads "They two shall be as one", and even though it's intended for sexual purity purposes, I always make sure that the part that I'm able to read says "be as one" to remind myself that because of Christ's love.. I am meant for others. And we are one.

God knows me and He always loves me. It's sickening and scary and kinda sad sometimes to realize that I'm not done screwing up, but He already knows, and He already loves me anyway. Because of this realization I am capable of trying to love others selflessly.

Maybe I should learn to trust that other Followers will undoubtedly love me back too. I want to be known and I want to be loved anyway. And I am by so many, just sometimes I feel insecure about it. I don't know why. I desire to step off my self-appointed pedestal sometimes just so I can say "this is who I am, help me to change". It's a pity that Satan instills in us these insecurities. I should have enough faith in the body to know and love me just as Jesus loves them.

Because they do.



"Imagine how much a man's life would be changed if he trusted that He was loved by God..."

Just something I was thinking about.

I don't need a sign Lord; I just want change.

Oh wait, I take that back. I HAVE NO IDEA.

I'm thanking God for good friends today.

As always, I am incredibly blessed by those who promote healthy thinking for me. I love my friends because they challenge me and they love me and they make me laugh. I don't know what more I could ask for. I am constantly blessed by my relationships with others and they are what get me through my days. Praise.

Also, I'm thinking a lot about this quote today:

"Man needs salvation not because he is imprisoned in a body but because he willfully chooses his own way rather than God's way. Man's evil is not in his body; it's in his affections. He loves the wrong things."

I believe that's good ol' Donald Miller but I won't stake my life on it. Well, actually I might because I'm almost certain that's him. It doesn't matter..

Anyway, very true right? I know all can pretty much apply this, but it rings ever so true in the life of Kenzie Brewer today. I'm struggling a lot with choosing a way and sticking to it. Kinda funny I bring this up actually because on Sunday I had to listen to a sermon based off of a very, very misinterpreted Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken". Of course the preacher based the entire thing off of choosing the "road less travelled" and walking the "narrow path that God has set out for you" and how much more rewarding it is when you do...etc. etc.

But I will speak a little bit more on what the poem is actually saying. In this poem, Frost does mention that he takes the road that perhaps "wanted wear", but all in all the roads were worn about the same. The title of the poem itself should tell us that Frost is not proud that he took one road.. but he's pondering about the one he didn't take. Simple right?

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - -
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Doesn't that make more sense now? He shall be telling it with a sigh? What does that mean really? The fact that he chose one way and not the other is what made the difference. He chose one way. Does he regret it? He never reveals that to the reader, but the fact that he is pondering what his life could have been like is what makes this poem.

I mean, I guess I can stop with the English lesson here, cause I don't know if I even did a good job typing out such a brief explanation. I get real excited when I talk about it though.

Point being- in terms of my life and my "walk" so to speak, my problem lies in the "What could have been?" game. I desire to exerience many things, of God and quite honestly sometimes not. That's the sick thing. I know my way. I know which way is paved out for me, but too far in along the way I start retracing my steps because I'm curious about the other way. I hate that. I've become this person that is not whole because I'm still stuck at this fork in the road and trying to somehow force myself on both paths. But I can't do that. Don't I know that I'm much better off? What is the strain in my motivation then?

A good friend reminded me today that when I know, trust, and walk with Jesus then I'm good. Unless what I want is sin. Which tends to be a problem. My affections are killing me and forcing me to live in the wreckage of the fall. My friend also said to trust in the Lord and that He'll give me the desires of my heart. Do I know what those are anymore?

Who knows. I seem to be at somewhat of a standstill on these things. But I'm trying to work through that. I'm sick of being complacent. I do not want to continue splitting myself up into these parts that are good and bad. I want to be whole. And I want to be His. I just need a little help.


Prayers maybe?

"I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul"

Hello, it's me. I'm on a slight caffiene high right now (God bless me) and I'm very chatty. Caffiene is such an interesting thing.

I don't know why I started typing like that. How ridiculous. I'm sorry.

ANYWAY. Update.
Life is better. I feel like I'm getting more into the swing of things here, and I'm working on ways to be more involved. And by involved I do not mean Harding-involved; I mean ways to get plugged into being beneficial to the community here. I have some ideas so I'm really hoping they play out. Or I'm hoping I'll be proactive about them. Probaby more so the latter.

I've been shown some interesting things lately. My love for learning has deepened immensely and I'm trying to absorb everything. Right now at 1:34 in the morning I'm not soaking too much up. But that's ok.

Anyway, I should probably stop now. I felt like I would be able to provide some sort of window into my thoughts right now, but for some reason I cannot.


Here is a neat quote:
"Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far into the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..." -Rainer Maria Rilke

Cool huh? I think it's interesting and holds a lot of truth.
Pray for me.