Your Cover's Blown

Am I spoiled by good relationships at home?? Am I? Did I get lucky really early?

I'm real disheartened by relationships here. I long for familiarity and just, sincerity. I think that's a better word. Lately I question anyone that tries to know me. I always assume alterior motives, because that's the vibe I'm getting. And when I say familiarity, I think this goes beyond a mere symptom of freshman year and missing my friends. Because obviously I found Hayley and a handful of other friends last semester that I spent every waking and not waking moment with. And I was blessed. But now that things have changed and people are gone and the dynamic is different, I've been forced to step out into the Harding world more. I will say that I've been immensely blessed by this in numerous ways. But lately- not so much.

Lately, I feel kinda used. I feel like I'm just some person that you need to meet so you can say you know them for the sake of a social checklist. Overexaggerated maybe, but nevertheless the thoughts and emotions are still there. I have friends, I have fun most of the time. But that's it. I'm called when I'm wanted or needed, but then that's it. We all go on with our busy lives. I'm sorry, maybe I'm a princess but I require a little more effort. And I think because of the way Jesus loves me and knows me intimately, I require more effort. I know I'm worth it. And now I sound like a brat that thinks she's really cool but I promise that's not what I'm trying to say.

I just usually dive into relationships. I'm an all the time kinda friend, not just one who is "on-call" so youcanhavemewhenyouwantme type thing. I don't really work like that. Because at the end of the day, I feel cheap. And I feel kinda used. And I feel like in reality I don't really matter all that much. Why do I always feel like I have to act more reserved in most circumstances? I don't feel like I can fully be myself around anyone here, because people here make me feel like the little, nonimportant stuff matters. I am just being judged on so many different, picky levels. I feel like I'm expected to act a certain way around certain people and I'm supposed to agree with everyone on everything on certain subjects and I'm supposed to think certain things are funny when certain people do. I get self-conscious. When have I EVER been like that? DANG I miss you Hayley. (AND you too karalaniesarahcollincolegarrettsloan,etc)

But yeah, Hayley. I liked us because we did not give a you-know-what about those stupid people. We didn't allow ourselves to get sucked in with shallow people with shallow intentions. We just WERE. We did what we wanted, with who we wanted, and we were ok. We were real. Or at least we tried to be as best we could. If we did crappy things or made mistakes, we still who we were. We were trying to find the truth for ourselves and not falling in line with everyone else in the process. And that's what relationships are for, I think. To fail and succeed and learn and grow with one another.

Now maybe I should grow up and stop being so insecure and paranoid, but oh well. The point is that people make me feel this way.

My best friends bless me. They bless me from being hours away from me. Daily. I am encouraged by them, and they know I'm weird and not funny and annoying most days, but they reassure me that they love me. And I know it. I know they mean it.

Times like this make me appreciate Garrett more. I hardly give him enough credit for being so geniune. Garrett adored me. All the time. I was a brat and annoying and weird and not funny and he still assured me that he still thought I was worth it. And precious. And innocent. And he got a geniune, sincere sense of happiness and joy from being around me. Or at least he acted like he did. I made him happy because who I was and who I wasn't and how I acted and because I just was the way I was. That was it. Thanks Garrett for being so great to me. And sorry for making my appreciation so public but I feel like it's neccessary.

It's not just Garrett that's like this to me though. All my best friends treat me this way. So am I spoiled?

Or should I expect the highest quality in the way I am treated?

I just never know the line. However, I will choose to continue to love others as best as I can. My insecurities and doubts should not affect my own ability to give love. Luckily I'm loved perfectly already. So I don't have to rely yet again on flawed love from humans. Think God's trying to show me something much?? HA, apparently I don't get it still. I just think I do.

I may have extended my "Harding Social Boundaries", but now that I've achieved this somewhat, I am dissatisfied. Once again I am shown that us humans are continuely, helplessly flawed. I choose last semester over this semester easy. I had real friends with real struggles and real passion and no cover ups. No explanations. No insecurities. It just was. Things like that take time, I know. I'm just getting impatient. But I'm just done with the emptiness of all this nonsense. I'm done.