"Never before had it occured to me to ask myself why the sun should rise each morning on a new day instead of upon an old day over again; or to wonder how much of what I did was really on my own to do. It may be that here on this earth we are not grateful enough for ignorance, our innocence. We think there is only one road-one direction- forward, and we accept it, and press on. we think of God, we think of the mystery of the universe, but we do not think about it very much, and we do not really believe that there is a mystery, or that we could not understand it if it were explained to us. Perhaps because when it is all said and done, we do not really believe in God. In our hearts, we are convinced that it is our world, not His."

I've been thinking a lot about questions. I do this a lot anyhow. I tend to dissect everything only to end up more confused than before. I break things into pieces only to have more pieces and I usually can't put them back together. I am thankful for this. I say I fear control and I do most days, but I'm so relieved to be so confused sometimes. PRAISE because I don't have to know everything. I could go anywhere and it wouldn't matter where and still SOMETHING there would teach me. God reveals Himself in the smallest things, yet always in the biggest ways. Even if we're silent, the rocks will cry out. It's perfect. It's so paradoxical and never-ending and complex, but it is the path I have chosen and it is the path I will continue on. I can talk to anyone and find God if I choose to. I can sit somewhere by myself in a desolate area and still find God if I choose to. I choose this path and I choose questions and I choose doubt sometimes because I think God trusts me to come back to Him. Sometimes I think He instills with us certain feelings that cause questions so we can wrestle with them. But I always find that the arrows always point up. It never fails. And I think God trusts me to find Him. And that makes me feel better. He knows I made that decision years ago when I said I wanted the Spirit in me. He knows I meant it. And it hasn't left me. It stirs in me daily, and even in my lowest of times when I want to plug my ears, close my eyes, and block everything out and do things on my own, I still feel it. And I still know Something's there.

It's a sick and scary thing, but the most securing and freeing thing I could ever be apart of. I chose this and yet it chooses me also. Always. Nothing has any meaning by itself. I know this.

But I know so little. And there is so much to know. AH.

All I do know is that I'm really thankful that my world is constantly expanding and opening up more and more opportunities for me to learn. I'm just grateful that I didn't choose ignorance. I'm thankful that that I possess an inability to blindly accept things and move on with life. What kind of life would that be? Praise God that I'm able to question and try my own way. Because I'm always wrong. And that's oddly kinda freeing.

"Her heart, which through her childhood was all one color, has turned into a kaleidscope made up of shining fragments which fall at each turn of the glass into ever, newer, mere breath-taking patterns."