I may have control issues. Or something.

I have realized this lately because it seems I have been presented with many situations in which I lack any control over. Without even realizing it, I apparently am real used to always being the lead in most situations, or at least able to manipulate it and to mold it into what I want it to be. Lately, however, I am not finding this to be the case. And because of this, I become real anxious and awkward.

I am not used to these kind of feelings. It's interesting though because it raises a lot of questions. Do I lack some sort of confidence in something? Have I always been like this? Do things usually work out in my favor because I'm fortunate or do I somehow make it work out that way? It's weird. Lately I've been in situations where I can't predict the outcome. And when that uncontrolled situation is presented to me, I freak. Secretly though, of course. It is just not like me to become so uncomfortable.

A lot of problems can stem from this... so that's good. It's scary to be presented with the unknown. Sometimes I'd rather not know some things or avoid potential awkward situations to be comfortable and in control instead. But I always walk away feeling regret.

In a spiritual sense: geez God why do you have to be so big? I'm so thankful because we all know that I cannot handle most things... but I like to think I can. Sometimes it's scary to follow You when I don't know what's in store for me even a day down the road.

Life lately has forced me to realize more and more that I am not the one who can manipulate everything. I cannot always mold things into what I think they should be. I need to stop romanticising situations and how things could turn out. I need to just stop, take a breathe, and deal with what I'm given and trust that Someone bigger and better and smarter has already taken over for me.

PLUS I need to simply just relax. That's really it.