So impressed!!!!!

Jan Magee, a..mm.. sophomore maybe (?) in high school from church at home sent me a facebook message today. Keep in mind I have not talked to her in well, too long:

you are an amazing person!! God loves you so much!
i hope you have a wonderful week!
-- jan :)


Why does Legacy still have the greatest youth group ever?

Karma

Oh man, funny how things come back to bite you in the you-know-what.


I gained back a friendship that is one of my dearest. I had blinded myself with selfishness and prevented myself from seeing that I was slowly losing someone who means the world to me. I don't know how I became so self-centered in our relationship, but unfortunately I did and came to this painful realization this weekend. It's always a... mmm, humbling experience to be broken apart like that. Because someone once told me that a part of true integrity is fully feeling my emotions, my doubts and fears, as well as my struggles. It sucks and it hurts my pride a little bit, but I drove back to Searcy today smiling because I'm geniunely alright with this person for the first time in... well, too long.

I don't know, but this whole humbling experience business lasted until 6:00 this morning and it is now 2:30 of the next. My thoughts are once again scrambled, but please know that God is once again showing me His strength through my many weaknesses, and the beauty of His grace through my relationships. I'm working on it.

I don't know what it is about being home that makes me want to blog. Who knew this was it all would take...

For some reason lately, I've been intimated by this thing. I've had no pressure to write in this, but I feel like I should. So, I sign on and open up a new post box... and every single time I just sit there terrified of what I'm about to write. Hence why my last entry consisted of Death Cab lyrics. No one really reads this. And if they did, they don't care what I write. But it's like I have this self appointed problem that's telling me that I need something to write insightful. Well, I don't have anything.

I'm happy, but seemingly empty. Something's missing. I don't know what I think about most things. I'm trying to make sense of things, but I don't know what things. My thoughts are constantly thrown in this whirlpool of confusion, and I just don't know.

A friend of mine told me a few weeks ago that he'd like to see me "invest my heart in something". I've been pondering that statement ever since it's been said. I love school, but I'm so selfish with my time there. But where is that outlet? I'm not doing anything to benefit anyone around me.

I cannot allow myself any longer to be consumed primarily with myself. Some things that I do most obviously require attention and maintenance, but how dare I to get absorbed in my own routine solely. There is life beyond class, studying, work, friends and fun. A much bigger life, and a much bigger world out there that's dying for me to share it with them.

What am I doing?

Brothers on a Hotel Bed

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I’m not who I used to be.
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise,
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw,
Something he was not looking for; both a beginning and an end.
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize,
When he catches his reflection on accident.

On the back of a motor bike,
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight;
Leaving everything behind.
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete,
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men,
'Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides,
Like brothers on a hotel bed.
Like brothers on a hotel bed.
Like brothers on a hotel bed.
Like brothers on a hotel bed.

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I’m not who I used to be.