I feel very small and insignificant. I do not know any of the answers to the hundreds of questions constantly punching me in the face. I do not know. I do not want to know. Sometimes I feel real stressed out because I feel forced to figure out everything, but it is not my job.

Tonight, in the midst of me stressing out- I humbly and pleadingly asked for the right words. I was certain that was what I needed, but I did not find them. Instead, my mouth opened and I instead said nothing. Instead, I sat in silence and allowed my God to wrap His arms around me tightly as He whispered softly and comfortingly in my ear. I was a wreck but He sang to me ever so beautifully and I listened. I am a wreck, but I am allowing myself to continue to be hugged by my Savior as He sings and sways me gently. I heard His music, and because of that a sense of peace swept over me as I sat outside tonight. Because of that, I had a slight smile on my face. I allowed myself to continue to feel small and not know the answers. I did not want to know them, and I do not care to know them know. My God is a God who takes care of me, and He holds a plan for me much greater than I can even begin to fathom or figure out. Why ruin the sweet surprise? I want to enjoy my time and feel reassured that I am okay.

Sometimes, I want so badly to be able to decipher the right answer between what I selfishly want. But also sometimes, I do not think I am supposed to know the answer, that sometimes, maybe an answer isn't needed at the very moment in which I'm begging for one. He'll give me one when I need one and until then I want to feel at peace. It's not my job to know everything. I need to be okay with that. Tonight, I am.

what if the food hungers for me?

They call you Holy:

I'm not sure if I know what that means right now cause set apart is not what I need when I'm on my knees, broken hearted too. Right now it's not well with my soul when everything seems out of control and you're so far away. I dont need a crown of glory, I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok.

They call you Holy...

questions

Why do I take shifts when I do not in the least bit feel like working? Why do I do the things I do to myself?

Come see me?

Tonight?

5:30-10?

No? Ok.

But here's a real one question, not one of my dumb ones:

"Two soldiers go to war. One comes back and adjusts well, leaving it all behind. The other comes home with post-traumatic stress syndrome and cannot get the faces of the dead out of his mind. Which of them is crazy?" - Shane Claiborne and Richard Haw

Have a wonderful evening. I realize now that there is a lot of single spacing in this post. I don't know why. I apologize.

Changing the actions of a world never really changed anything.


There must be a reason for the world to change.

I don't even know

"How many times must a man look up before he can see the sky?"
-Bob Dylan

I believe I am done trying to say much anymore. I pretend I know too much when in reality; I know hardly anything at all. There is beauty in not understanding everything. Not to mention there's all the things that I appear to comprehend, but probably don't.. and that's ok. I'm done with trying to place everything into a formula and figure it out. Who am I to dissect things way bigger and more complex than myself? There are neverending realms to questions. And there isn't enough time spent on just bathing in the beauty of how many possible questions are out there and how those questions only lead to more. How often do we bask in the realization of how small we are? Can we ever just be amazed in knowing there is something much bigger than we could ever begin to comprehend or analyze that knows it all? Praise God we don't get to understand it all. It's good to feel small sometimes. I never wanna feel immuned to that.

I've been thinking so hard about my future lately, and I need to remember that it doesn't matter. I'm taken care of. My God is a God who takes care of me. I'm trying to continuely search for the beauty in the seemingly mundane, I want to live so deeply. The world is a beautiful place; if only we took the time to take notice of the creation in which we live on top of and not in. (in Donald Miller's words).

I don't even know where I'm attempting to go with this. I worked tonight and I'm tired and hungry. Is that a good excuse? No? ok. I try real hard though. Maybe I'll expound on these thoughts (or.. whatever they are, I don't even know) I tried to start later.. or maybe not. I may have completely different ones by then. But until then I'll leave some borrowed thoughts from Mr. Rob Bell for you to ponder...or not.

"Because it isn't just concerts and surfing and the high points, and it isn't just those beautiful moments in the midst of the everyday and the mundane; it is also in the tragic and the gut wrenching-moments when we cannot escape the simple fact that there is way more going on around us than we realize." - Rob Bell

what does sleep feel like?

I do not remember. this sucks.

What also sucks is that Ryan is going to Guam tomorrow for 3 whole years. That's scary. He'll have fun although I will miss him greatly. He brings such excitement to my life sometimes, but I know we'll continue to be friends, despite the oceans and countries between us. Thank god for technology! Pray for his safety because he leaves tomorrow morning. Yikes. I'm so nervous for him.

That's pretty much all I have to say right now. I have to finish up his going away gift. It's funny.

caffeine is a sick, sick thing

Here it is, 3:53 am, and I am, awake. painfully awake. miserably awake. but nonetheless awake. One of the downsides to working at a coffee shop- you consume more caffeine than you normally would. That's especially weird for me, because I predominately drink water always. But tonight I was dragging- so by the end of my shift I had accumulated 5 shots of espresso. Not a good idea. Because here I am: awake. How sick.

I have, however, managed to get caught up on The Office. I really do love that show. It makes me laugh so so hard. And for some reason JB is awake too, only he didn't consume any unheard of amounts of caffeine. He's just awake. weirdo.

Anyway, I'm not sure I have anything of importance to say, not that I normally do anyway. I am just so awake and I want to be asleep so bad. Tomorrow is going to suck. Oh well.

So in other news, I am questioning a decision I made a week or two ago. I made it based on what I felt God was telling me to do, but now I feel like I read it completely wrong. I hate not having any real clarity on things, because I don't know if I'm falling back on it now because I'm weak, or if I was just simply wrong in reading my intial emotion. It won't matter if I was wrong or not- I won't go back because I am sadly too stubborn of a person to do. Which sucks. I just don't understand why I felt like God wanted me to go without something that seems so good for me, or something that makes me so happy. I think I am worse now. How does that work? I try to do the will of God, but how the heck am I supposed to know exactly what that is? How am I supposed to decipher what God is telling me between my own selfish wants and intentions? What does God even feel like? I still struggle with that. How can a mere human comprehend a feeling that is God? If God is as powerful as we say He is.. How are we supposed to feel something that strong? Are we just overdramatic? Do we conjour up these emotions? I mean, I say I've felt God's presence dwell among me and in me even, but when I think about it, I don't know if that's possible. Because, if I've felt something so strong, so powerful, so mighty and undescribable, how can I ever walk away from that? So have I never felt Him? I just can't believe I could walk away so feeling if I've felt God. Are we even capable to feel that?

Now, I understand God is more than a feeling and then there's all that business about the Holy Spirit and we are not meant to understand because then we'd be God etc etc. I get the legisitics of this whole thing- but those are just the questions that cross my mind sometime. It just doesn't make sense, and praise God because I don't know everything. But all I want is a little bit of clarity. A little bit of direction. But I want to know for sure. I ask for this a lot, but I feel as though I always misinterpret, or skew what He's trying to tell me in order to mold, manipulate and justify it into what I secretly want. I just don't know what to look for because there's so many decieving things. I don't know how to listen I guess. But I try. I really do.

Enough with that nonsense. I hate being awake. It's 4:15. I have church and it's Mother's Day tomorrow. I really do love my mom by the way. She's freaking smart, it's ridiculous. Nothing gets past her. It's pretty sweet, althought it's bitten me in the butt a few times. That's ok though. But, she works hard. God knows she deserves something great after all she's had to deal with in her lifetime, and she's still very steadfast, wise and humble. How does she do it? I would not mind being like her someday. Sorry, I'm not going to go on a rant about my mother. That's most likely unneccessary.

I need to stop. Goodnight

Jason,

I'm thinking about ya today. You're in my prayers.
You too Cori.

And Rylee, what the heck! You too.



I love y'all very much.