I want to ride my bicycle!

I lied.
I hate my life.

I cannot tell you how many times I have actually attempted to ride my new stupid bicycle. The tires need air desperately, and I have tried multiple times on different occasions to air them up, and have failed miserably and patheticly every single time. I bought a new air pump, because none of my stupid neighbors have one anymore (seriously, not one person on my street has one?? that's nuts.) But, apparently I drastically suck at pumping air into my bicycle. It does not work any time I try it. I get so fustrated cause it's so pretty outside, and I get so excited, and then it fails. I even tried loading my bike into my little PT Cruiser in attempts to use a gas station's air pump or something, but I failed even more miserably in attempts to put my massive bicycle into my small vehicle. It was actually disasterous. Yet again, it was a very long, tiring and disappointing experience. And yet again, I will not be able to ride my stupid bicycle. I want to so bad.

Oh well, I did forget however, that Fortress is today. I forget it's Wednesday. So I suppose the dollar that I found in my pocket will be added to the 3 that I owe a little boy for drawing me a picture. We'll see.

Wednesday

Well, I found a dollar in the pocket of a pair of pants that I haven't worn in ages. I somehow managed to get up to listen to Sharma for 2 hours after successfully getting absolutely no sleep in the past 3 days. My motivation was that she'd be pissed at me if I didn't, so I did. I already have managed to picnic already today with Mallory. Not to mention I'm camping in Stovall's yard tonight. And, I'm about to ride my bicycle in light of the glorious weather outside.


Things are slowly looking up.

Further Thoughts

Well things are better still. I don't know what was necessarily wrong with me earlier. But I am thankful for friends (especially ones who answer their phone at 2 in the morning to hear me whine). I just need to clear my head I think, and find some kind of guidance and clarity in my search for answers. And I will. God's good like that.

Anyway- on another note. I made an observation this weekend.

Me, being Church of Christ and all, means that I do not worship with instruments at my church. (It's ok, I do not condemn those who do) But often times, since everything is completely dependent on voices only, it doesn't always sound pretty, or sometimes it's not up to tempo, or it's pitched a little too high or low or something of the nature, so needless to say, it is difficult to make something sound really good when not everyone is trained in music. And instruments normally are good for such things. They keep everyone in tune, and on time, and for those who are not in tune, the instruments do a lovely job at covering up those who are incapable of staying on pitch. Very convienent really.

But back to my point- it's difficult to sing accappella pretty sometimes, and that's ok. I don't think it really matters to God neccessarily how good we do or do not sound, as long as we're sincere right? The problem that arises in my church sometimes is that when something such as a pitch or tempo deficiency happens, some get worked up over such a minor thing, and attempt to "fix it". One of my favorite things that we do is when we just sit around, and if someone wants to start a song, they can, and then we all sing it together, harmoniously praising God.

But not everyone that starts a song is neccessarily blessed with the same musical talent as a usual appointed "song leader" ya know? So sometimes, a person may start it off too slow, or too fast, or a little high or a little low, but it doesn't matter because they're singing it with meaning. So when the one with talent attempts to speed it back up, or slow it down a little, it absolutely irks me. It's a song, and I'm sure the composer intended on a certain tempo and key, but I highly doubt that God cares, or the composer even because their song is being used for it's intial purpose- worship.

Since when is it ok to "correct" others worship? Who cares if the song is dragging a little?; because the one who started singing it in the first place is geniunely worshipping our God the way they are singing it, and by getting distracted with little things like how it's supposed to sound, and trying to fix it the entire time just demeans the whole point of the song in the first place and disrupts everyone else's personal experience with that song. If a song is not started or sung the way one is used to, but the majority is, they should just let it go and experience it the way the others are. Look around and just watch what that song means to them. Don't try and fix it. How demeaning and just down right rude.

And obviously it causes issues for me too. Haha. Because clearly I focus on that and not the song either. I too am at fault, and I am willing to admit that. But it's impossible for me to tolerate someone messing up others worship, even if it's not intentional. It's just selfish worship. Let it go. Not every song has to be sung the way you want it to. And that's ok. Start the next song your way and the rest will follow; it's just not fair to disrupt someone else's intimate moment with their Savior. Not fair in the slightest bit.

I guess some just have a hard time, and it's easy to get so distracted with petty things. I do and I hope that I too, can focus more on what really matters during my worship time rather than the actions of others. Sheesh. So many complications!

Speaking of complications:

what the heck is going on? the world as I know it is slowly turning upside down. I am so perplexed. but that is a whole other story..

Sad day

I am very sad today. I don't know why, so I'm not sure I could give any sort of solid reason. But I am most definitely incredibly stressed out. Maybe that's why. I feel like I have too many decisions to make in a short time, and no way of knowing which one is the right one. But I need to make them fast or I may explode, so maybe that's why I'm sad. I am so overwhelmed with these thoughts that my head starts to cave in and I feel an immense amount of pressure inside it. I am not sure how much longer I will be able to take it. But today is a sad day. A sad, sad day. I want so bad to just curl up and cry for hours, but I have obligations to fulfill elsewhere, and besides, crying would do no one any good.

But besides that- my retreat was awesome. Very nice and relaxing and not to mention it means that summer is only a teeny bit closer- which means that Jessica will soon be arriving and I will be beyond happy. She's gonna be good.

I feel better just writing this. Although I came to no revelations or anything. I just feel better. I'm sure something of more depth will come later. But for now, I must work.

What's the formula?

What?!
That's what I'm askin'
Jesus plus Zero equals life everlastin'

Oh, how I love Fortress. Really. I went on Wednesday as part of my usual weekly routine, but it's been a few weeks since I have been able to devote any time to getting down there. But I always love love love it when I go. Those kids seriously make my day in every single possible way. They are so full of life and they are SO funny and talented. I see such potential in every single child there. Every single time I go, I never leaving doubting about what I want to devote my future life to. They are great. Since I've been gone the past few weeks, they've adapted a new little chant, and I think it's funny:

We don't holla back, we holla what?
HolllaLOOya

haha clever right? Whatever gets through I suppose.
As I was sitting in the Homework Room with this little boy named David, I noticed he wasn't doing his homework (nothing slightly abnormal to see at all) so I walked over there to see if he needed any assitance, and then I noticed he was drawing this picture of some car. I was SO impressed! He is incredibly talented. Incredibly. He is in 4th grade and can already draw cars with such clean detail that is undeniably better than most people I know that are my age and older. He is so good! I complimented him til I was blue in the face because I was so utterly impressed with his talent at such a young age. He copies them and sells them for a dollar at school (I told him I'd give him 3 bucks if he drew me a picture and brought it next week). I asked if he was planning on taking an art class once he moved up to middle school. He said no because taking art was "dumb".
Honestly, that kinda surprised me. Maybe because I come from Birdville who owns at fine arts, but it's probably more so the fact that I live in my cute little suburb in my nice little school district that makes decent money, that succeeds in most aspects, and pushes for kids to be overly involved. And because of that, I hate to see talent go wasted. I wish those kids could experience the life I am so constantly bored of. The one that I take for granted so much. I could tell so many stories about certain kids that are just brighter than most ya know? Or more athletic than most, or more musical than most, or more artistic, like David, than most. But they don't get the same opportunities that are constantly thrown at me, that I just roll my eyes at and ignore. I'm so selfish sometimes.

I have it good, and that is nothing new to any human being I'm sure, but I do. And what bothers me sometimes is how some can be so absorbed about the problems overseas (which I'm all for for helping, don't get me wrong) but yet, they blindly choose to ignore the catastrophic human failure that is happening not even 20 minutes away from their own doorstep. Thank God for those with the passion to help others in certain areas of the world, but why do the ones so close get ignored so frequently? It's possible to support both efforts. It doesn't take much to mentor one child once a week. And it means so much. These kids in the inner city are not doomed for failure, or drug and alcohol addictions, or gangs or whatever! They're not. And it takes only one person to change their entire worldview.


I think I may stop that tangent before I write a novel. Another day I think.

Anyway, all is well. I'm happy. Plus Ryan is back for 3 weeks and my life will no doubt interesting during this time. I'm excited.

I hold this remarkable characteristic called procrastination. And by remarkable, I don't mean it any sort of wonderful positive way. Remarkable as in, it's extremely ridiculous. I'm sure many say they carry this flaw, but I carry it in an immoderate amount. This extreme case of procrastination in which I carry has led up to one of my administrators literally strangling my neck tonight. With quite a tight grip. I may have a problem.

I have gotten away all year with me just getting by, but as of late, everyone (administators, teachers.. etc. etc.) around me is beginning to care about my problem and act as though I'm not aware that I have it. Problem being namely, attendence (or lack there of really). The thing is, I'm completely aware, and I bask in this sense of indifference to life daily. I don't understand why they are just pointing out this issue. I've been cognizant to this all year long. Sometimes I wish I cared more about life and put more effort towards things, but then the day comes, and I'm tired or lazy or busy, but I always write it down in my planner to work on. I just never get there.

I've seem to have lost all real motivation for real living. I just float through my days lately and I hate that I'm being so unresponsive. I want to feel where I'm at, not just simply be. And part of this problem stems from my lack of caring and horrible sense of procrastination. But even without that, I still just seem to float through and just live in some sort of world I'm not even familiar with. I don't know what this is. But I want to go back to where I was and regain the things I once deeply enjoyed. I want to start reading more again, and writing, and guitar, and being able to indulge and bathe in the beauty of God's creation. I've lost my joy in these things along the way and I want to regain them. I miss talking to people I've been so reliant on before and I miss going and enjoying Legacy. I don't know where I've been. My attendence in my own life is nonexistant, if that's possible. But I do not care for it any longer. I do not wish to be complacent. I've been so swarmed with so many things that I don't care about that I think I'm just tired. I get home and I don't want to do anything. I want to rest, but yet, I never have time for that either.

Where does my time go? I'm really unsure about this answer, but I pray that I'll be able to maximize the little time that I have left beautifully and radically. I want to dive deeply into the passions that I hold so dear to me and take extravagant pleasure in them. I want to find the joy in my everyday living. I don't know if I'll be able to float through life like this much longer. Because I want to feel it.

Thanks Jason.


Side note- I have begun playing the piano multiple times daily again. It is one of the passions that I have left behind that I decided to attempt to pick back up. And oh my do I enjoy it. It's what I do most of the time I'm home. I like it. Even though I've lost most of my talent, I'm slowly accumulating some...ha. Yikes. Oh well. One of the things I really need is to just really really catch up with some good old friends of mine that are just so so precious to me.

Sarah? Rina?